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Ginger Snap

If you're never seen District 9, I'd encourage you to take care of that right quick. It'll really help you understand the elves, on both the biological and sociological levels.

You know that thing the aliens have with cat food? The elves are just like that, but with sugar cane and sugar cane byproducts. Santa has an entire warehouse full of cane sugar that he doles out to them as "bonuses," which is a nice way of getting them too stoned to wander off the grounds over the weekend. Just part of his system for keeping the little guy down.

Breaking Bad, elf style
Breaking Bad, elf style

Not that I'm above taking advantage. I slipped a jar of molasses into the workshop once, just to see what would happen. It was like chumming for sharks. A tiny, high-pitched flesh tornado. Next thing I know, Funsize is deadlifting Santa's desk (a gift from President James K. Polk), Beo is swinging from the rafters wearing nothing but his pointy hat, and Florida is pole dancing on the conveyor belt, halfway to the ceiling. There isn't a pole on the conveyor belt. No, I have no idea how she was doing it. And this is a flying reindeer talking.

Clearly a lighter touch is called for, if I'm to use elf-meth to gain influence amongst the North Proles. Let's play to my strengths, and work some brown sugar into a delicious cocktail, yes? This one's gently modified from the Food Network's take.


1 oz. ginger beer
1 tsp. ginger juice [from the grocery store, not from the Irish elves]
1 1/2 oz. dark rum
1 tsp. cinnamon schnapps
Ground cloves
1 egg white
Cinnamon sticks
Crystallized ginger square
Brown sugar


Place ice, ginger juice, rum, and cinnamon schnapps into a shaker. Add a pinch of ground cloves. Separate an egg and add egg white to shaker (you can skip this if you're afraid of raw egg, but it's just there to make things good and foamy). Shake vigorously, then add ginger beer and stir slightly.

Rim some martini glasses with brown sugar. You can dip it in a saucer of ginger beer to make it stick better. Pour in the shaker contents liberally.

Garnish with a cinnamon stick and crystallized ginger square, and sprinkle the top with brown sugar. Place one on each rack in the elf barracks, with a R.U.M.P. button nearby so they know who their sugar daddy is.