Shows » You Can't Get a Decent Margarita at the North Pole

Chocolate Blitzen

About three months out from what I like to affectionately refer to as Hell Night, Santa makes a point of encouraging us polar reindeer to get in shape. Something about "not dropping dead of a heart attack before we hit the 70th parallel." Whatever, I'm in great shape. I went up a whole flight of stairs the other day. Half-flight. Curb. Driveway. Shut up.

Besides, pot meet kettle much? One of these years he's just going to drop dead in the first chimney and we're going to end up doing Weekend at Bernie's cosplay for the rest of the night. I vote we prop his carcass up in Bill O'Reilly's living room and set up a hidden camera. I got your War on Christmas right here, bub.

Anyway, frickin' Blitzen, that carrot-swilling brown-nose (haha, get it?), thinks he's empowered to be our drill sergeant or something just because it's in our contracts. Pfft. Bullies us into these 5AM boot camp sessions. Pfft some more. Works out year round just so he can lord his perfect withers over me. Whatever, "bro," just because you're a goddamn reindeer Adonis don't mean anyone wants to be downwind of you. Carrot farts are the worst! You hear me?! THE WOOOORST. YOU SMELL LIKE A LITTERBOX MATED WITH A VEGETARIAN STEW.

Chocolate Blitzen. Not pictured: Shame

I seem to be the only reindeer smart enough to hide in the elves' outhouse to avoid doing my morning "laps," whatever those are. Being of an intellectual bent I use my time on research. To wit, Tipsy Bartender. So I'm scrolling through, highlighting* my favorites, and what do I see but a drink called the Chocolate Blitzen. Oh, HELL no. That beautiful bastard's ego is big enough without getting drinks named after him! And where's the Chocolate Rudolph, I ask you? Do you not see the possibilities of maraschino cherries?

I'm going to make a batch right now for the rest of the crew. And especially Blitzen. I will of course modify the recipe slightly, with a dollop of Ex-Lax.


1/2 oz. (15ml) Vodka
1/2 oz. (15ml) Dark Creme de Cacao
1 oz. (30ml) Baileys Irish Cream
1 1/2 Cup Chocolate Ice Cream
Chocolate Sprinkles
a plate covered in hot fudge


Rim glass with the hot fudge. Make your obvious juvenile joke. Blend vodka, creme de cacao, baileys and ice cream. Do not blend the ice cream completely to a liquid. Let it maintain some of its thickness. Pour into chocolate rimmed glass and add sprinkles on top.

...alright, let's see how this ta-wow OK I have never experienced joy before this moment. This. This is. This is delicious. Dammit Blitzen, you magnificent bastard. Screw you, I'm drinking the rest of it. That'll show him.

Yeah, I know there's a laxative in it. It's ok, I'm still in the elves' outhouse. They can just use the hollow toys when Rita's not looking. Which they were going to do anyway.

* If anyone knows how to get highlighter off of a laptop screen, please message me